Those that are close to me have had front row seats to when I have worked through these emotions but not many know that I can be a jealous person. Probably because I have spent years practicing to control it.
My jealousy came out of two things.
Comparison and desperation.
I looked around my life and my friendship circles, and no one looked like me, acted like me or seen the world like I did, and when that happens you either think everyone else is crazy or that you are built wrong.
I thought I was built wrong.
I remember being the misfit from the age of four and I compared and set standards on what I seen was normal. It affected how I spoke, what activities I was interested in, how quickly I began dating and what I accepted in relationships.
Amongst all of the ‘balancing act’ I lived, of not being too much like me, there was an underlying ache. I wanted to do something. I was and still am desperate to do all I can, and I can tell you I have a long list.
I want to do it ALL.
However, because I want to do it all it is hard to see other people do it and do it well. It was hard to see others blessed with talent and opportunity. It was hard to hear of successes when you were still waiting on your chance to step in to something.
Over the years my personality has changed but the desire to do and make change has continued strong and because so many others are out there doing the same, I still sometimes get ‘the niggle’ of jealousy.
I just want to do.
I just want to help.
I just want to be good.
I just want to do that too.
I have learnt that jealousy doesn’t have to rule my life or personality because it doesn’t have to run my reactions to situations. I am in control of how I treat others and that means that jealous energy can be used for something different. I can use ‘the niggle’ to fuel the growth that I am after, and to continue down the path that is before me.
Jealousy has taught me that it’s important to chase after good things in your life and that even though you see others finish the same race its not to show you that you aren’t good enough. It’s to show you that things are possible.
I have a husband who everyone loves. He will tell you different but people tell me all the time how amazing he is. He is charismatic and the most annoying thing about him is that he doesn’t even try. I bust my butt to work hard and be all I can be and he is… well… effortless.
I have even had circumstances where people have favoured him in projects that we have collaborated on. This used to annoy me to the point where it consumed me and many a ‘discussion’ was had between us about it.
Could he help it?
But I could help how I reacted to him.
Through our marriage I learnt about realising my own worth and it helped me to become an encourager.
I am an encourager of anyone that steps in to something that I would love to do or create something I would one day love to create. It has meant that I am free from having to chase others and rather use my energy and fire to chase what is in front of me.
Even though I have triggers and moments where I have to do the right thing and say the right thing, (especially when people are pregnant), I feel by acknowledging that I am a jealous person and taking steps to ensure it doesn’t hurt myself or others, it has made me a better person. I simply tell myself that this time was not my time, it was theirs and even if my time never comes I will learn to do and enjoy all I can with what I have ahead of me.
I hope that I have encouraged you today. If you need support do reach out to someone or an organisation that can help. If you would like to share your story or contact me please feel free to private message me on our Facebook page or on Instagram. You can also email me using firstname.lastname@example.org address. Be sure to check out our next article here on ‘The Encouragers Life.’
Article written by J. Bingham