How the Church Can Support Foster Carers
DISCLAIMER AND INFORMATION
All of the
things I will be discussing in this series are from my own personal experiences
and perspectives. I share examples and stories
and so some details have been changed to provide necessary protection.
A good
place to start is probably giving you a little bit of a background. My husband and I were foster carers for 9
years and we were Christians before taking the classes and going through panel
to be passed as carers. We attended a
non-denomination church and likely the closet way to describe our faith is
Pentecostal. Due to us relocating we
left that church and attended a charismatic non-denominational and Presbyterian
during our service.
I love
church goers and I am not here to hurt but to generate awareness of how actions
that are totally innocent can cause ripples that they may never know
about. Don’t worry I am not here to bash
any faiths or denominations and each church has different policies etc.
My church
attending experience as a foster carer has been mixed over the years. I have had blinding successes and
heart-warming moments but I have also had, ‘what were you thinking!?’ moments
too.
I remember,
at the beginning of our time as foster carers, being asked, “How can the church
help Foster Carers?” and really, at that moment, I had no clue. I was unseasoned, I didn’t have the
experiences I have now and so I couldn’t answer their question. However, now I can.
This week I
would like to talk about gift giving.
I am very
aware and understanding that if you want to give to a foster child it is
something amazing but I ask you to please be careful!
I once
remember being told of a child enjoying their Sunday School experience and at
the end a man offered him some sweets. The child broke down there and
then. The adult didn’t know this, but
that little boy’s abuse began with a man offering him a packet of sweets.
Please, please, please, make sure any gift giving is done through the carer. The carer has established trust with the little one. You creating or accepting this posture of gifting can help the carer(s), the child and the home dynamic in a variety of ways.
The two I have
identified are…
1. You are
cementing the protection that the carer is able to provide to the child. That can only enable the bond between carer
and child to grow. This enables safety
to be at the centre for the little ones stay and also shows the respect you are
giving to the child.
When we sit
in church all we see is the child. The
foster carer knows the true picture.
They know the abuse. They know
the trauma. They know the fears. They know somewhat how the child is
processing the environment and how they feel.
The carer isn’t going to debrief you of their reasons for being in the
fostering system before they are brought in to church.
Foster
children are like icebergs. You only
ever see a tenth with your eyesight, the rest is under the surface.
You
allowing the foster carer to be the person that all giving, chat and interaction
goes through allows them to support the child fully until they become more
secure within their environment.
2. If the
child sees that the foster carer trusts the gift giver then the child will
likely become more comfortable, given time, and a lot of upset can be avoided
for those children that are triggered by giving.
It allows
the child to see that people can give without wanting something in return. It teaches them that not everyone will hurt
them. Respecting this can enable a social
building block to be redeveloped which will enable the child to read peoples actions
and determine their safety. Something
which is valuable in their futures. Rebuilding this block can allow them to
review their trauma and work towards living in a safe environment allowing them
to develop appropriate connections with others.
Let’s talk about a different giving trigger.
This one
usually affects the older children and teenagers where it can be because of
challenging behaviours that the foster carer(s) is trying to manage at home. Although in saying that I could probably ask
enough people and find someone having this issue with a toddler. Every child is different.
I remember
an instance where we had a young girl who didn’t have a great track record of looking
after her belongings, and she went through straighteners like they were
disposable. The straighteners were also
being misused at times and we did have moments were fire safety came in to
question.
Her latest
pair broke and so a new pair was to be purchased for her through a reward scheme. This really worked for her in the past and it
was achieving great results at regulating some of the behaviours that created
issues for her.
Someone very
kindly gave her a pair of top of the range, expensive straighteners and it
became tough to manage their use because they were a gift. Not only that, the reward system was a bust
from that moment on. It also created
some contention because if she wanted anything else she would say that she was
going to go directly to the gift giver and get it. She had developed another
source of material items that took pity on her that she could use when she
wanted.
Seemingly amazing, generous and appreciated thoughtfulness can leave a carer picking up the pieces or scrambling to retain authority. It’s mad but it is true.
Please, ALWAYS GO THROUGH THE CARERS.
By doing that you are providing the children and foster carers with a trauma aware and safe environment.
Thank you
for reading this week. Next week we are
looking at the importance of Police Checks.
You would not believe what I have to share on this topic.
If you need support do reach out to someone
or an organisation that can help. If you would like to share your
story or contact me please feel free to private message me on our Facebook page
or on Instagram. You can also email me using
theencouragerslife@gmail.com address. Be sure to check out our next article here on ‘The Encouragers
Life.’
Article written by J. Bingham
Copyright 2021